About a month ago I wrote about my initial reflections about myself and my relationship while in quarantine. Once upon a time I believed something like this would be a dream come true because deep down I had a bottomless well of need to have enough time and attention in my relationships.
A lot has evolved, transformed, healed and died off over the month while in quarantine.
One definition of evolution means going from simple to complex. My relationship has NEVER been simple but what I can say now is that I am much more aware of the complexities of it, my partner's complexities and my own and this helps me slow down, keep my mind open, take things less personally and keep my heart open - things that were really hard for me at one point.
A big transformation I am experiencing is in my communication. When at one time I would withhold feelings and then lash out in anger now I feel my feelings as they arise and do my best to communicate them in a direct, loving and emotionally healthy way.
Every conversation where I can receive a boundary from my partner gracefully and take care of my emotional needs shows me where I am healing that deep part of me that has the false belief that with enough time and attention from someone else, I'll be OK.
WHAT’S DYING OFF:
Reactivity. This has been such a blessing. I've been given the gift of pause and it's slowing my reaction time when I’m having an emotional conversation with my partner. Rather than letting the immature parts of me react my functional adult parts are responding more regularly.