The time between when I first had the thought that maybe I wanted to change my relationship to alcohol and when I finally had my last drink was about 13 years. It took me some time before I was able to do two important things required for self healing. 1. Looking at myself honestly 2. Taking action The truth is I couldn’t imagine who I would be if I no longer drank and partied even though my heavy drinking was presenting real physical, mental, emotional and spiritual consequences for me. I had a whole image I was unwilling to part with for a long time. I was a party girl. No wait, I was the party girl who was also a DJ. I loved the power I felt on stage behind my turntables. I loved that I could create joy and happiness on the dance floor through the music I played. I cherished the memories of fun. I loved how easy it was to make friends. I loved the feeling of family and camaraderie in the party scene. I loved how carefree I felt. All these things I think are beautiful and I want to honor them whether you drink and party or not. At the same time there was a lot of darkness for me below the surface. I loved how people saw me and at times that fed my ego. I was carefree and I also left a lot of wreckage along the way. I lacked awareness or willingness to see of my responsibility in it. I made some friendships were fleeting and inauthentic and lacked the foundation of trust, reliability and vulnerability that I think true friendship is built on. So when I finally decided to slow down the frequency of my drinking and eventually stop, I had to grieve all of this. My party girl in all her light and dark had to die so that a new version of me could be reborn. I’m loving and sometimes hating this process of rebirth in sobriety.