Recently my partner told me something that took me out of control.
He told me he didn't feel comfortable traveling with me to visit family this holiday because of Covid.
I closed my heart. I didn't talk to him for 3 days.
I respected his decision and despite that I'm a human with a heart and I got deeply triggered.
I didn't talk to him for 3 days. I told him what I was doing though. That I needed space and time to process and I was explicit about how much time I needed.
In our time apart I reached for tools to process.
I knew I was angry but anger is always that surface level emotion for me that protects other emotions that are harder for me to feel.
In the first two days the tools I reached for weren't working to penetrate my anger.
Then on the 3rd day I did a guided somatic practice that cracked this thing wide open.
For the last 3 days I kept having this recurring experience. I'd be distracted from the issue at hand and then I'd remember my partner and I weren't spending the holiday together and be flooded with panic and anger until I'd distract myself again.
In the practice I was asked to think about another time in my life I experienced this similar thing and suddenly it hit me.
This was the SAME thing that'd happen after I'd break up with someone I was really attached to.
Suddenly this made sense.
I understood clearly my partner's decision triggered what I've felt in a break up: abandonment and separation anxiety
Immediately I felt a sense of emotional clarity and direction. I knew how to self-soothe when I'm feeling abandoned or anxious. I also felt a space created between my emotions and my partner. Before everything was a mess and I couldn't stop seeing him as the enemy.
Now I could see myself and my truth and I could see my partner and his truth.
That night we sat face to face in chairs and I shared my truth. My heart was open again and was received.
He's not coming with me and my heart still feels a heavy and it's OK.
The relationship took a hit but by no means did it break us.
These are the fruits of unshakeable commitment to truth inside conscious partnership.